And The World Spins Madly On

i miss my best friend

spinningmadly — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 17:45:02 +0000

I’m writing this cause I haven’t talked to you in ages. Either you’re busy or I’m busy. Which is pretty acceptable given we live in different timezones. But you already know that, why am I putting that here?

Wala lang, cause I like to say it. Kinda an introduction to the letter, to get my mind flowing. LoL, did I have to say that too? Hahah no… but my mind is talkative so I write it anyway.

I love you and I miss you. Talking to you keeps me grounded. I have to tell you that in case you didn’t know already.

I’ve been doing a lot of things lately. I’m not sure if I’ve shared enough or everything with you. Probably not given the recent lack of communication. This quest for renewing myself is taking a chunk of my thoughts into a new level of frenzy. Hahaha! Yeah, I didn’t know that I can get worse than my previous OCD self. But I guess I can, so here I am.

Why am I writing you about this? Cause I just realized (again), that my oldest and closest friends are the people that I need when I become overwhelmed with the new things in my life. And you are on the top of the list.

As cheesy as it sounds, you’re one of the few whose opinion I actually listen to. And that’s saying a lot cause you know how much I detest listening to people’s advise, especially if I haven’t gotten to that point where I really respect them.

Wala lang, sometimes I think I do so many things at once. That I always drive myself against a wall. Crash and burn. Then I give up again. Or I change too much thinking that it is the right thing to do. All in the name of being the better version of myself. And then inside, I feel so conflicted and lost. Cause I keep forgetting who I really am inside.

And you remind me. That’s why I love you, cause you always manage to remind me of who I am. And what I can do without losing myself.

Good night. May PMS nanaman ako. LoL. Writing this helped lift my mood. I love you. Hahaha!

Hello World

spinningmadly — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 08:04:00 +0000

I’ve been sitting in this chair for about 5 hours now. I look around to see if there’s a difference in the hussle and bussle. Not much has changed, except maybe the slant of sunlight that is streaming from the windows.

The team sitting on the cube to my left has decided to put the ‘walls’ back on. Now I’m alone in this purple lined box. I’m still not sure if I like this solitary life. I guess I do. But I also have this niggling feeling that they didn’t want to see me as much as I didn’t want to see them. Hahaha!

Did I exude that much snobbishness? I hope not. I am not here to antagonize anyone. But I haven’t been miss congeniality either. Oh well, who cares?

I’m happy though. Thankful that the ceilings are high, that the AC is working. And that I have my own little space. Though I feel alone in this room, the solitude does offer room for some thinking. That is if I use the time to think about more important things, instead of letting myself wallow in the useless. I have to admit, three hours have already bent spent on the useless. I shall not lie.

Again, I look up startled as the door to one of the meeting rooms closes with a bang. Some people here have no respect at all. I could hear the team at the other cube discussing. I can’t understand them because they are speaking another language. Or maybe they are speaking in english in an accent I have yet to understand. I am being a snob. And I wonder why no one comes near me?

And I find myself smiling over that thought. And at the idea of me writing at this hour. I haven’t written in this thing for so long. I’ve forgotten how much fun it is to write your thoughts. To let my inner self go. I’ve been so used to holding things in. Of trying to please everyone. Of failing at that. Then eventually falling apart.

Right now I’m just enjoying this. Whatever this is. I feel the pressure of having to be prepared for the future. I’ve been known to relax while the world is in chaos. I’m also known as this highly-strung person who will rampage if her wishes are not followed. Right now, I’m just a bum. A dreamer. Because I can’t really control how I feel (or maybe my feelings control me). I don’t know. I’m just lost.

When I read this again I know I will find that I’m being silly. But if I edit this and remove half of what I’ve typed in, then I know I am again applying my inner ‘nazi’ on my own thoughts. I don’t wanna do that. So I won’t.

barely

spinningmadly — Mon, 30 May 2011 15:57:00 +0000

i do not think i am equipped to care for others. do i even know how to properly care for myself. i don’t have the patience, nor the heart. the selfishness is there, plain to see. i can only look after me, even barely.

i’m not that sophisticated woman who can juggle a family, herself, and her career, and come out looking perfect.

as much as i’d like to be someone like that, at the end of the day my laziness wins. and i find myself drying up in front of the big computer… again, looking like a prune about to dry up as i read all those rss feeds accumulating in number in my google reader.

nerd.

but who decides what kind of person a woman is supposed to be. what if what i am is what i want to become? is it the standards set by other people, or is it our own personal wants that will win?

sometimes i feel so inadequate, especially wheespecially wheespecially when i start comparing myself to people who can and do, as is expected by society. then i sit down and wonder if i will follow suit because it pleases them.

but then, laziness wins again. and i still find myself sitting in front of the computer.

the world spins madly on. as is expected by society. then i sit down and wonder if i will follow suit because it pleases them.

but then, laziness wins again. and i still find myself sitting in front of the computer.

the world spins madly on. as is expected by society. then i sit down and wonder if i will follow suit because it pleases them.

but then, laziness wins again. and i still find myself sitting in front of the computer.

the world spins madly on.

8 Years

spinningmadly — Sun, 29 May 2011 07:03:27 +0000

I don’t know what she’s doing right now. I don’t know what she’s thinking. All I know is that she’s hurting and it’s because of me.

The inevitable has happened. I finally found the courage to break up with her. I remember her saying in a mewling cry, “please… don’t leave me.” It tore my heart out to hear her sounding so sad and desperate. But still I didn’t give in to her needs. I swallowed the pain that I felt and told her I can’t stay with her anymore.

She asked me if there was anything she could do that would make me stay, that would make me love her more. I replied that there was nothing. That I’ll always feel like this, like I was cheating, whenever I look into her eyes and see the love that she has for me. Because I knew in my heart that I loved her less than she deserved.

Where does one go from here? I wanted to hug her and tell her everything is gonna be all right. That she’d be ok. That we’d be ok. But I cannot do that. I know it will be a lie. Because I know her, she’d be crying for a long time. Because her love for me was the only thing that’s keeping her sane right now. And I took that away from her.

I’m sitting here, eaten away by guilt. I long to touch her face, hold her hands, wipe her tears away. But what right do I have in doing those things when I was the one who caused them?

I’ve spent most of my adult life giving her happiness. I feel guilty for finally choosing my own.

I know I’ve been so selfish these past years, living in the comfort and love that she provided. I feared the idea of her leaving me that’s why I never had the courage to break up with her. I cannot stomach the idea of giving her this much pain.

Now that it’s over, I am asking myself what happens next. I worry about her. I will always worry about her cause I love her. I don’t know what happens next. I just wish she’s learned a lot from being with me, enough to know that she’s strong and she can get over me.

Remember How It Was?

spinningmadly — Sat, 30 Apr 2011 09:00:00 +0000

Just got back from Nat’s place. Two glorious days spent with her, just being my usual lazy self. She took care of me. I forgot how much dependent of her I was. I was reminded of her caring nature. I cried at the memory. Laid by her side and cried.

We had a fight. I always have bad timing when it comes to talking about things with her. And so I tactlessly told her that I was getting tired of her situation. Of her having no job for over a year. Of me waiting for her to move forward with her life. Of me second guessing if we have a future together. I even told her that sometimes love is not enough to keep two people together.

Of course she got hurt. I saw tears rolling down her cheeks. She told me that maybe I should stop worrying about her after I leave the country. To return to her once she’s more dependable and stable.

A small Part of me felt happiness that I was finally getting my freedom. This was my goal wasn’t it? To tell her to hurry up or she’ll lose me.

But like always, I sat there stone-faced and sorry. Sad at the pain that I have caused her. And I chickened out. Told her I wasn’t really giving up on us. I was only telling her how I felt. Because she deserved to hear it. Because I couldn’t just give up on us without giving us a chance.

I guess it was partly true. I couldn’t not tell her even though I knew I was stepping on her pride. And It was the truth. I told her as much. Her pain may be greater but it does not mean that I don’t hurt too.

She said she already told me of her plans before. She’s going to work here, to study. She thinks that I couldn’t wait for her. That maybe she should prepare for the possibility of me leaving. That it’s unfair to me that she’s dragging me down.

I hated myself then. For hurting her, and for not leaving her. I can’t. I wanted to give her some more time. Silently cursing cause I am always so weak when it comes to her.

I just hope she realizes that not all relationships have happy endings. Especially not after she watched a movie where the couple ended separating even though they loved each other. because love was not enough to fix all the differences that they had.

We spent the night and day together. Talking and touching. I missed her so much. We don’t talk enough. I missed her telling me how much she loves me and misses me. How pretty I am. How good I smell. I told her how much I’ve missed her strength, and the comfort and security she gives me by just being beside her. I told her I forgot how dependent of her I was, and how I’m suddenly remembering the lost feeling I had the first month after she left. How much I missed her trust in me. Her love of people. Her kindness and optimism. I missed her constant reminder for me to be nice and friendly. Of her making me human. Of showing me patience and love. She’s always teaching me to develop the side I don’t have. The side that makes me a better person.

But when we are far apart, my logical side always says that staying with her will only make it harder for me. But after seeing her and touching her hands, seeing her smile, I forgot about logic. I am reminded of why I love her. It’s funny. I’m crazy whenever I am with her. I’m different.

But all vacations have endings.

Impulses

spinningmadly — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 14:30:00 +0000

Had lunch with JB and talked about my confused feelings about love. Told him about

recent dream of J
of despair and lost feeling about Nat
of confused state
of the brain fart I had wherein I wanted to contact J and meetup with him in Pinas
and my wakeup call cause I remembered that it will be our 8th anniversary

He blurted out that J has no gf. And that he’s planning to work here.

Sometimes I wish he’d come soon.

JB told me to focus on Nat first before he opens up the idea to J. JB didn’t outright say that, but I think he did say it while I was in my hyper state.

Oh I’m so anxious and excited about my trip home.

that’s what she said

spinningmadly — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 18:33:00 +0000

The truth is, I’ve been going pretty much nuts all year. I constantly have to fight being scattered. I feel like I’m on automatic pilot from fatigue. The hardest thing is trying to be present, living for the moment, for everybody in the family. {Patricia Richardson}

~o~

And that’s how I feel. I don’t know what happened or is happening these last few years, but my thoughts are as scattered as the pictures on my wall. Everything else can be organized, put on a list, and checked-off once done. But my thoughts, they jump around like water on a sizzling pan. no wonder i don’t blog as much, mine’s been dormant for a year now. this place will do for now. my little brain farts’ vacation home.

oh, it’s another rainy day

spinningmadly — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 14:37:00 +0000

MONDAY

It was raining heavily the last couple of days. I have expected my mood to be at it’s lowest, given the bad weather and it being a Monday. But for some reason I was pretty happy that morning.

I woke up around 6 am, which is a miracle for me. I even had breakfast!

Some jerk even tried to shower me with a puddle of mud, which I narrowly missed. I just sniffed and continued to walk on. I do remember getting irritated for a few seconds but that was it. My thoughts drifted to other things like:

How I loved my sensible shoes and I missed wearing them. How they actually felt perfect in this crazy weather. Hmmm, the heels weren’t as high as I remembered them being! Does this mean that my tolerance for pain has increased?
How I loved how my golf-sized umbrella was protecting me from the wind and bullet-like raindrops. How I never imagined ever using it because of it’s size and my laziness. But there I was walking like Mary Poppins. Weirdness.
How dressing-up really does make you feel great, even if the weather was as crappy as this. i thought about buying more trousers, like the one I was wearing. If I’d ever wear skirt to work. And survive the freezing AC afterwards.

I felt stupidly happy. I didn’t understand myself. My thoughts were random and were spilling out of my brain like crazy. And I remember feeling scared that the day will eventually suck, cause that’s how it is usually.

It did.

I got a migraine. My planned schedule was INCORRECT, and now have to pay for it. I forgot to have lunch. My brain still throbbed. My teammate’s progress was as slow as a molasses. I went home late.

But when I got home that day, I was still cheerful. I was in good spirits at work too, even though all that crap i just listed happened.

TUESDAY

It was still raining heavily. I was still lighthearted. Hmmm… the change in routine, or lack of routine must be fucking up with my senses.

WEDNESDAY

I still felt happy. I’m scared. My brain is saying that things will only go downhill from here. Oh hell… whatever! I gotta enjoy this time. Fuck brain, shut-up with your worries.

productive procrastination

spinningmadly — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 12:45:00 +0000

Was supposed to be working still. However, i just decided to cook. So i cooked for lunch. not sure if this is categorized as cooking since most of what i did was frying and sauteing the ingredients.

yang cheow fried rice
buttered shrimp
baby potatoes with rosemary

First time in a long time that i did that, preparing them a meal. They liked the taste. I’m guessing that they want more of me cooking for them… soonish… especially on sundays when we wake up later than usual. I love cooking on sundays. Cause I don’t have to do the washing. Hahaha.

childish

spinningmadly — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 15:51:00 +0000

I worry that I’ll never outgrow my childishness. Like a disease, it keeps me on focusing on the present… but never on my future.

Why not think about the future? Because I am afraid and have lots of fears. And like a child I cower at these fears. I often turn a blind eye because I don’t have answers to all my worries.

There are days when I feel mature, more knowledgeable of life, more certain of my thoughts and myself. But these feeling get overturned whenever the moon decides to wax. then I revert to questioning myself again.

Overly dramatic.